Each of those hands has a stack of Ben Franklins in it. – John Reed-USA TODAY Sports
Occasionally, we here at Dawg Sports report news which we would not blame you as readers for not believing. OK, sometimes the stuff we report as news really is not news and is in fact total hokum. Hooey, even. Satire of a high and aggravated nature.
But I swear to you, dear reader, this story is absolutely true and you can rest assured that this could happen nowhere other than Lee County, Alabama. Apparently former Alabama politician Mike Hubbard was recently found guilty of doing some less then ethical things while in office, and may face serious jail time for it. He also looks like the suave, lost Bowden brother.
But I digress. I do not really know very much about Hubbard. Frankly, he is only tangential to our story. What I do know is that when casting about for a new moral paragon for whom the former Mike Hubbard Boulevard should be named some high-minded citizens of Opelika decided that the name for the job, the name to erase the stain of scandal, to clarify for incoming visitors what Auburn stands for, was that of… Cam Newton.
That’s right. The guy who ended up at Auburn after being kicked out of the University of Florida for stealing from a fellow student. The same Cam Newton who even Auburn admits was being shopped around by his dad for six figures, but who miraculously chose to come to Auburn for books, board, and the killer scenery. The same Cam Newton who spent even less time (about four months) living in Lee County, Alabama than the run time of Ken Jeong’s short-lived sitcom.*
There is so much absurdity to be found here that the story can only emerge from one place. You know where that place is. You can find it on a map, even if it’s own residents have never learned how to do so. Welcome to Auburn, baby. Where they’re all in on selective memory.
*So the guy is funnier when he’s naked and beating people with a tire iron. I can relate to that.